If you know someone who has become newly bereaved, you may wish to send a condolences card. Finding the right words, a gentle tone and a sincere sentiment, can often feel like a challenge, especially if you are grieving for that person too.
I have complied some ideas to help you structure a genuine, supportive and appropriate message. There is rulebook when it comes to writing sympathy cards and it doesn’t have to be a long piece of writing, it really is the thought that counts.
Simplicity and Sincerity
- Be genuine, your words don’t need to be overly elaborate
- A heartfelt, simple message often has the most impact
- Use clear language, avoid clichés or overly complex phrasing
Acknowledge their death
- Acknowledging their death, is a really important part in expressing your sympathy
- Use the person’s name
Example: I am so saddened to learn of (Name)’s death.
Express Your Sympathy
- Offer your condolences directly
- Express to the grieving person/family, that you share in their sorrow
Example: My heart goes out to you during this difficult time. Or Please know that my thoughts are with you and your family during this incredibly difficult time.
Share a Positive Memory (if appropriate)
- If you knew them, sharing a personal memory can offer some comfort
- It’s a solid way to celebrate their life and help to remind the person/family left behind that their life is so much more than their death
- It also supports a narrative that we can still remember them, even though they are not here physically
Example: I will always remember (Name)’s warm smile and the kindness [he/she/they] showed to others. Or I will always cherish the memories of when they…
Offer Support
- Let them know you’re there for them, whether it’s for emotional support or practical help
Example: If you need anything; someone to listen or help with anything more practical, please know I am here for you.
Close your words thoughtfully
- Close your message with a thoughtful and respectful sentence
- Be mindful to try to bring gentle comfort while sincerely wishing them strength and peace during their mourning
Example: With my heartfelt sympathy. Or Wishing you comfort and peace and this terribly difficult time.
A few other aspects to consider:
Be Mindful of Their Beliefs
If you are sure of the grieving person’s religious or spiritual beliefs, you may like to incorporate these into your message. However, if you’re unsure, it’s always best to keep your message neutral and instead focus of your words of your thoughts towards them at this time.
Avoid Overused Phrases
Over used phrases and cliches often come from a place of good intentions however well-meaning, phrases like “they’re in a better place” or “it was their time” can often unintentionally be dismissive of the grieving person’s pain. Instead, focus on offering empathy without trying to offer quick answers. There is no quick solution to grieving and in your card, you do not need to fix their pain but acknowledging it will go a long way in supporting them both today and in the future.
Offer Long-Term Support
Grief doesn’t end after their funeral. In fact, it never ends; we just manage to hold it a bit better than when we are given it. Offering more long-term support (if this is something you are able to do) can be vital in engendering hope for the grieving person left behind. For example, you may wish to say, “I’ll be thinking of you in the weeks and months ahead and will be reaching out to you, to see if there is anything I can support you with.” (and then actually do!)
Choose the Card Carefully
Many sympathies cards are understandably very dour. Whilst it is very sad that someone has died, could you choose a different card other than a specific ‘With Sympathy’ one?Did they love horseracing, baking or walking? Could you choose something (or make something) that says something about who they were, instead of the fact that they have died?
It really is the thought that counts when it comes to writing sensitive and appropriate condolences cards. It can mean so much to a grieving person/family, that you have taken the time and trouble to send them such a thoughtful message.